Finding Pleasure In Daily Life as a Mother – Episode 009

It’s not easy to find pleasure in daily life when you’re a mother. Between taking care of the kids, doing chores, and dealing with stress, it can seem like there’s no time for anything else. But it’s important to find ways to enjoy your life – even if they are small things.

In this episode, Marianne StClair shares simple strategies for finding pleasure in daily life as a mother.

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Marianne St Clair, World’s #1 Muse

Marianne St Clair is an internationally recognized Mentor, Muse, Master Life Coach, Published Author, International Speaker, and Leader. Marianne works with individuals, groups, and organizations to amplify their pleasure to increase their income, influence, and intimacy by reclaiming their Sovereignty in all capacities – sexually, emotionally, financially, creatively, and relationally and has taught these techniques to thousands of people around the world. She is devoted to enlivening and enriching the sexual potential of both women and men across the globe so they can reach higher stratospheres of connection, sensuality, energy + aliveness. The founder and host of The Orgasmic Living Podcast and author of her soon-to-be-released book, The Business of Pleasure – Better Sex, Bigger Profits for Busy Professionals. She frequently travels between Florida, California and NYC. She has 2 beautiful daughters and 2 grandsons. In her spare time, she enjoys traveling, advocating for children with chronic pain and mentoring parents of children with the rare genetic disease, Elhers Danlos Syndrome.

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Lacy Reason  

Welcome to the early motherhood guide podcast. Are you a new mom feeling overwhelmed and don’t know where to start? And this podcast is for you. Hey, mamas. I’m Lacey, your lactation counselor, and you’re listening to the early motherhood guide podcast, where motherhood is simply supported. Today I have the opportunity to talk with Marianne Sinclair, why don’t you introduce yourself? 

Marianne  

Hello, everyone. I am Maryanne Sinclair, I am a muse first and foremost, and I’m also a mentor and master coach. And I work with women and men to spark their creativity come into their body, and really love life creating an orgasmic life. 

Lacy Reason  

Thanks. Nice. So a lot of women that you work with have reached burnout, right? So why are so many women reaching burnout these days?

Marianne  

First and foremost, we’ve abandoned our bodies. We’ve been taught from the time we are born, that you know we should be up in our head, we should be thinking we should be doing for everybody else. We should be pleasers, people pleasers we should, from the time we’re little babies. And in our mom’s arms. It’s all about stopping crying, because that’s what they want. You know, not not rocking the boat. So we’ve abandoned our bodies. We live up in our heads, and we’re giving to everybody else. And we’re not refueling our own bodies and our soul. Yeah, we want we tend to I did it. You want to hear a little bit about what I did? Yeah, definitely. Oh, that a 14 year? Well, I spent from the time I was six years old, I spent being a caregiver for everybody else. And Marianne was the last on the list. And I went from being taking care of my older brother and sister to being a wife who took care of my home. Then I also had a daughter who became very ill after she was 14 years old. And so I became a caregiver in the medical system and dealing with her health. And so everything was about everyone else. And it wasn’t about me, there was just times when I would eat chicken, you know, what about me? But for the most part, that’s a question that I began to ask myself a lot was if this is all life, is why am I doing it? Why am I even here? You know, what about me? When is it Maryann’s time, when is it gonna be time that I feel joy, happiness and feel excitement and feel alive because I was dead before I was debt. And that’s what burnout really feels like. If you’ve gotten to the point of full burnout, you feel like you’re very close to your spark is about gone. And you feel about debt.

Lacy Reason  

Yeah, and that’s so hard. Because when they’re little like it is so consuming and it’s so hard to step away. But then when you had you, you reach that point where they’re teenagers, you get a little bit more freedom, right? And then at that point, it sucks you right back in like that would be really hard. How did that feel when you like, you felt like you had a touch of freedom and all of a sudden, you’re right back into being such a caretaker.

Marianne  

But the key there is, did you really did you really feel like you had a touch of freedom. Because for the most part, you’ll if that’s the pattern that you’re in and society has taught you to be as as a woman and as a new mom. You you fill it with something else you make the kids may go off to school, but then you’re you’re taking and you’re committing your time to the PTA or you’re committing your time to the Girl Scout troop or you’re committing your time to you know, if you’re a stay at home mom, then you’re committing your time to caregiving or doing taking care of people pleasing in some way or another. It isn’t just about oh my gosh, I can’t wait till the kids go to school. And then I have a sense of freedom. it because you’ll fill it, you will fill it until you change the pattern. And we’ve been taught that it’s selfish to change the pattern. And truly, it’s not selfish, it’s self preserving. It’s, it’s, it’s a way that a mindset shift has to happen. That us, you hear a lot, Lacy that, you know, like getting on the plane, you put your oxygen mask on yourself first, and then you know you, you can take care of everybody else. But really, it goes much deeper than that. It’s not about putting the oxygen mask on, so that you can take care of everybody else, you really have to shift your whole way of being that you don’t feel guilt or shame, or you feel like you’re letting everybody down. Because truly, you need to take care of you first before you can take care of all the others. And they don’t want you to get to the point of burnout, because then your whole world is affected.

Lacy Reason  

Yeah. How do you have any good tips on how to break that pattern? You have like, a couple steps on how to recognize the pattern and how to break that pattern?

Marianne  

Yeah, first and foremost, if you tell yourself, if you’re saying yes to everybody else, then you’re saying no to yourself. So if you’re saying, if all of a sudden somebody comes up and they say, Can you can you pick my kids up from school? And you immediately say yes. Then what is it keeping you from doing that? So you need to pause, create a pause before you ever answer yes or no to anybody overdoing something, you need to really pause and go. Okay, what what is this going to, you know, what ripple effect? Is it going to cause and when you can set yourself boundaries like that to where you are being more respectful to yourself of your own time. And you’re, you know, choosing what lights you up first. Instead of what would please everybody else, please friends, please your in laws, please. You know your kids, because we want to make sure our kids get pleased. That’s a people pleaser, our kids. And then the other tip, one more tip is and I hope I didn’t just lose that is when you definitely make your pleasure a priority. When you can take time, make some list and make the things that light you up and refill your cup, refill your body, we fill your soul refill your. And it isn’t just things like taking a bubble bath. It may be things like you know, reading for 10 minutes, these, these don’t have to be these huge things. But during your day, you have to find things to refill your energy. Because we are energy. And when you have a battery and you put it on and it goes it’s going to go to the point where it’s not charged anymore. And that’s what we have to do. And pleasureful activities pleasureful things will create a recharge in our battery in our recharge in our soul.

Lacy Reason  

Yeah. How often do you think someone would need to have those little self care to like give them joy and pleasure? How often do you think someone would need that? Is that daily, weekly? Monthly?

Marianne  

I say like four or five times a day. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah, because it doesn’t have to take long like I see you sipping your tea. He can be just but are you mindfully sipping your tea? Are you taking a break before you go to your next activity? Or are you just running running running? Are you setting your phone aside? Are you turning the ringer off? Or are you just and just checking in with your body? Yeah, breathing? Where are my are my shoulders up to here? Well, most of the time, we’re not even connected to our body to notice that our shoulders are up here. But if you take a few exhaling breaths, doesn’t take long to take a conscious breath to go. Yeah, you know, so can it be the Doodle for five minutes. What are some of the things? Do you like getting your fingers in the dirt? You know, do you like cooking? Go in and make something conscious, bring all of your awareness into your body. And that could be something as simple as smelling your favorite herbs, or your favorite tea or your. But it’s being mindful and being in the present moment that brings us into our body. That brings us into pleasure. pleasures have felt sense. It’s not something that pleasures not just in the bedroom. It’s not just something when you go on vacation or a bubble bath. It’s pleasure. It truly is. When you’re consciously aware, you’re in your body. And you’re you’re feeling and you’re awakening up this present moment.

Lacy Reason  

Yeah, those are some really good points. Why do you think pleasure has become this dirty word that we’re not allowed to use?

Marianne  

Because that keeps us disempowered that keeps us that keeps us really conditioned to be out of our bodies and out of our power. When we especially as women, women are feelers. And we are when we’re birthing, what do you you know, what happens your creation, your any creating a living being, but our sexual energy along with our, our pleasure, is all creative energy. It’s all what we birth ideas into the world, how we change. And if we’re out of that, if we’re in just this doing mode, and we’re go, go, go, go, go, we’re good little worker bees were good little soldiers, where we’re making the powers that be all the money, all the riches, all that and we’re not fully into our power. So when we come back into it, then we can create anything.

Lacy Reason  

Yeah, it’s so true. And it’s so hard to do right?

Marianne  

Now, don’t affirm that. It’s true. It’s really not that hard. It’s a fundamental truth. And it’s a fundamental, like law of the universe, and you birth the baby. Okay, so did you have to do everything to make all those cells change? You know, your lactation consultant? What What all do you have to do to make that milk? Yeah, not that hard. It’s, it’s just we make it hard.

Lacy Reason  

Yeah, it’s just that the taking the time to check in with your body and slowing down and being mindful of the things that you’re doing throughout the day? Because it is, we live in such a distracted world, right? And we’re so focused on doing multiple things that we have to focus on the next thing as well. Or else we start dropping all the balls, you know, so

Marianne  

well, that was key, what you just said is in, I like to tell people is who won the race the rabbit or the hare slowing down as the the new fast. Because if you’re off to the next thing, and you’re not fully present, and you’re just doing doing and going going in you’re you’re not mindful, you miss half of what could have been or happened. And most of it is when how we create things is from the inside out. It’s not by our doing. Let me let me first point that out, that it is an inside job. And for every thing, like your computer, your phone, the chair that you sat in first was somebody’s idea and concept. And that doesn’t come from doing it comes from the being state. Yeah. So feminine state, the moon cycles, the all of that is more of the being state so we need to slow down. Yeah,

Lacy Reason  

for sure. And that’s where we get into that burnout and there’s no creativity, right. Do you sure our babies are feeling us when we feel burnout. They think they recognize the burnout.

Marianne  

It’s not even that they recognize it. There’s no separation from a mom and her baby. The energy is all of the same thing. And when you are frazzled stressed, when you are going a million miles an hour, they feel it all. They feel They feel the tension, they feel the stress. And if you want to have a very centered, you know, relaxed baby that can be open to learning. And the first and foremost thing, they don’t care about the next house or the next car, they want to love and attention. And that’s the best thing you can give them. And what do you have to do to do that you have to be present, you have to be with him. So the burnout happens. By the fast pace, it doesn’t happen if you’re, you know, connected and slowing down and loving holding them in. I used to remember that, you know, I wanted to give my child everything like they they wanted was my time they wanted was the box that we could play in, and the kitchen utensils, you know, it it’s not about what you can give them. As far as material outside things, they want to feel their mom’s love. And that’s the best thing you can give them. And when you’re in burnout, you have nothing to give. Yeah, so fill your cup up, fill your soul, fill your body, relax, so that your children can be relaxed. Because let me tell you, we’re in an epidemic time, child suicide, of suicide in the country, and one prevention that can stop your children from going down the path of addiction and is love. Yeah, just slow down and give them lots of love.

Lacy Reason  

Yeah, it’s something that’s so needed, you know, and you always feel so divided. And yet, if you just take a pause, and just look them in the eyes and be fully present with them, as hard as it feels at times. Yeah, it’s so incredibly necessary. So what does pleasure have to do with creating the life that you actually want?

Marianne  

Why, and I alluded to a little while ago, it’s pleasures, the felt sense. And if you are just thinking about, like the car, or the house or the stuff, and I was married to when my first husband, he would, he would create something, but then he was never fulfilled by it. So the big houses, the big cars, the you know, the motorhomes the boats, and then he was off to the next thing, because he needed that dopamine hit, and of creating the next thing, and really, pleasures, a felt sense, come into your body, feel what’s around you feel your home, feel your kids, you know, and if, if you want, and I love, I use the word orgasmic life, most people, you know, they just they, they get drawn to that. Because truly, it’s when you are fully present. When you feel alive, when you feel like you’re the things in your world are enough, and you’re not striving to get to something else or to make something else. But you’re fully happy and content with where you are. Yeah. You know, that’s, that’s something that few of us, you know, a few people get to that level of contentment. And pleasure is how you get there, you’ve got to make your pleasure a priority.

Lacy Reason  

Yeah, that’s so true. Because there’s times where we’re just waiting and waiting for the next stage because maybe they’re just dying to get to the newborn stage or the the toddler years, you know, like, once I get out of this stage, then I will be able to design the life that I want, or this will finally happen, I’ll finally be able to do this one thing for myself. And if you instead focus on those little things, like you said, of just creating pleasure in your life throughout the day, you can be more content with your life rather than just putting all of that on hold. It’s getting in total burnout and wasting those years. Waiting for the somebody that might never be there, right.

Marianne  

Yeah, because I waited. I couldn’t get tearful. Yeah. Because I waited for those days and while everybody was planning their kids going to college and graduating high school and going to college, my daughter in Do doc in the hospital? And I would say, Guys, when you get better, I’ll get my life back. Yeah. And when you get to school, when you get to wherever, this is what that does, and I just want to caution all of you on it is, it puts the burden and the guilt on your kids. Yeah. When truly, they didn’t do anything, but be more, you know, and they’re, they’re trying to live and be, you know, the these little carefree wonderful kids that just want to play. And when we put that burden on them, that they’re our misery, and our burnout is their response that it’s what they’ve caused for us. I don’t know if you truly think of it that way when it’s happening. But let me tell you, I’ve been on the other side of it, and going through it and going through the burnout and going through. Now, when my daughter was well enough, because she’s been a hospice in the back at 23. And when she was better, and we did a horse camp for other, for other people, for other children. And they were coming from a really rich area. And we were on the farm, and we were posting this this camp for young teen, you know, young girls 1112. And the parents came in, they’re like, Oh, well, we thought this was going to be this wonderful, big, lush camp. And I’m like, let me tell you, I’m putting on this camp for my daughter, not for your kids. My daughter is the one who wants this camp. And every day that she’s alive, is a day to celebrate. So I know that’s heavy for everybody. But truly, what is it that life is all about? It’s about love and loving your kids. And it’s about celebrating the hearing right now not about what you’ll get later. It’s about what can you feel in that connection with them now?

Lacy Reason  

Yeah, that really puts it in perspective, when you have that stressful time. That’d be really hard

Marianne  

to handle that stressful time, right?

Lacy Reason  

Which is really challenging when you know, because as a mom, you want to make everything better. And there are times when you just can’t, you know, there’s nothing you can do. And you just want this time to just be done. You just want to be to the next step to then

Marianne  

kind of slow down and just embrace it. Yeah. To slow down and just know that. You know, this is here, this is now and eventually, you know, times will change. But for right now, what can I do to take care of myself take care of my kids and just be I mean, people get faced with divorce, they get faced with, with job changes, or you know, where they lose their house? Or it’s how are you going to be and how are you going to react in the adversity? Rather than when things are good?

Lacy Reason  

Yeah. And typically to when you are waiting for the next stage, there’s always going to be something then that’s holding you back. Right? What is the next? There’s always

Marianne  

the now not what’s next. Yeah, so important lives today.

Lacy Reason  

Yeah, because the time goes by so fast, and those littles are not so little anymore.

Marianne  

Each moment, treasure it. Each stage has magic and miracles. And each stage is just so beautiful. Because you’ll look back and you’ll go, oh, my gosh, I missed, you know, breastfeeding or I missed, you know, when they were at preschool or stages wonderful.

Lacy Reason  

It really is. So, as moms sometimes we really feel selfish, taking time for ourselves, you know, when we are so needed all the time for our littles, like how can we stop with that guilt and make self care a priority?

Marianne  

It has to become a guilt is a vicious thing. It’s very vicious and we’ve been conditioned and taught that everybody else matters but ourselves and truly when you can begin loving yourself, then you have more to love everyone else. So, you know, guilt aside has to be reprogrammed. You know, we have to, like, begin to take that that voice and just set it aside and go, Okay, I’ll get back to you later. But for right now, I’m going to take care of me. And I’m going to love me because if you can’t love yourself, then you don’t have enough to love everyone else, you don’t have the energy, the time, the the, the bottom line the things to the focus, clear thinking or the love to give to your kids, your family. So love yourself first. And just you have to set that guilt aside.

Lacy Reason  

Yeah, I think also, like you’re saying, making it something, it doesn’t have to be this big thing you were saying earlier, right? Where it seems sometimes impossible to be like, I’m gonna go out of the house and go do a workout class or do whatever, like a girls night. And sometimes it’s just not possible. But taking that moment, like you were saying, and just being present and enjoying those small things. Yeah, breathing focusing on that can make it

Marianne  

sometimes it’s set up. Like, in the morning, this morning, I, I did a seven minute meditation, you know, maybe you can’t go to the yoga class, or maybe there isn’t time to do but there is time to stop. Shut off your mind. And just be in your body. And it can be that you just smell, you know, some fresh mint. Yeah. And you’re just present. And you can set alarms on your phone. You know, I have like, reminders that say, you know, it’s time to do your morning practice. And then, you know, you can set an alarm for a little bit later, you know about the time that you’re sitting in line, picking the kids up from school, just to focus on your body and breathing. And taking five deep breaths, you know, can be simple. But you’ve got to refuel.

Lacy Reason  

Yeah, I love that tip to on having those external reminders, right with the alarm. Because sometimes we do get so busy, and we’re so focused on what to do next. It is so hard to remind myself like, hey, like, oh, yeah, I haven’t checked in with my body all day today, you know. And so if you had that alarm, some kind of reminder, it would be way better. Like, it’s way easier. Yeah,

Marianne  

and change them up. Because you know, if you have something on the dashboard of the car, or you have something on the refrigerator in time, you’re just going to overlook it. So change the color of it, take us post it note and have it be bright pink, but then next week, make it yellow. You know, and change up your music that you listen to put on something soothing, but then next time put on something really rockin you know, and fun and funky that you can move your body even for five minutes doing a quick you know, energizing dance can be something that lives should back up.

Lacy Reason  

Yeah. Yeah, cuz we can get used to their reminders and just not even see it, it just becomes.

Marianne  

Right. Let’s see it and I hear it. Yeah. Yeah. So change it up.

Lacy Reason  

That’s a good tip. So, how long does this prolonged stress affects women and even their libido? And why is it important for us to make pleasure such a priority?

Marianne  

Stress over time, really. And people think libido is just your sex drive. libido is truly your willpower, it’s your your, your own innate ability to, to put things into action. So when when we do have stressed over time, it is like taking the I kind of used the putting a pot on the stove. And over time, if you turn on the pot, you have a tea kettle and over time that fire just keeps getting a little higher and higher than eventually it’s gonna whistle, right? Same thing is is if you put a pot on the stove and you put a lobster in it or you take and put a frog in it over time, if you just turn it up the lobster doesn’t know and it doesn’t jump out or the The frog doesn’t jump out. But if you took it and put it in a scalding pot, it would jump right out. We did that stress happens over time. And when, when it happens over time, we’re not even aware of it. And then all of a sudden, what happens is you have no sex drive, you have no energy to do the things you want to do your focus and clarity is like, you can’t even think straight. I don’t know about you, but I’ve hit those times where it’s like, where am I coming? Or am I going? What am I? Is it morning? Or is it like? And, right? And so it’s, it happens like this slow process over time, that will just take you down. And so when we make pleasure, a priority, we’re refueling we’re slowing down where we’re feeling our body. And we’re checking in and we’re going, Oh, my gosh, I feel tight in my neck right now. I wonder if I can put some breath in and change that. Everything is about energy. And how are you fueling? Or are you can tracting and depleting? Or are you expanding? And, and energizing and giving to yourself? So be mindful?

Lacy Reason  

Yeah, that’s so true. What do you think the benefits are? Reducing that stress and making a pleasure a priority.

Marianne  

It’s everything. Yeah, it’s better sex life, it’s better connection to your family and your kids. And you’re those that you love, you have more love to give, you’re more energized to you feel alive. And like you can take on the world. There’s good, there’s just the benefits, creation, you can create new projects and new, you have the desire to your your health is renewed. And you know, your health is not in moving towards disease, it’s moving towards, you know, renewed energy all the time. You know, we talked about renewable energy as far as you know, in the world, but we need renewed energy practices, to renew our own energy within our body. And pleasure is the key pleasure in play. One more pleasure. And I like to say pleasure and play or the feminine way. Because those are the like the really ways that we can, without a lot of effort, make a huge difference in our life. And if if you’re creating today, so you want to create a vacation, right? If you’re coming from a very depleted where you don’t have any energy you are in burnout, and you go and create a vacation, it’s going to be a train wreck. Because things aren’t going to line up things aren’t you’re going to be like in the airport, and every plane is going to be serious. And have you ever had one of those vacations? It’s like, oh my gosh. But when you take time, and you make sure how you’re feeling how you’re if you’re replenished, and then you go create something you’re creating from a much higher vibration, then things will go smoothly. Yeah. Yeah, it’ll come to you quicker. You’ll make it’s like magic. Yeah.

Lacy Reason  

So true. So what is a pleasure? powerup.

Marianne  

Oh, pleasure power up is when you can take those five minutes. Take those, those 30 seconds and give it focused attention to rejuvenate and regenerate your being. So what would be something you could do right now lacy that would really give you a power up? What would be something that is fully in your pleasures, though? That you could do right now.

Lacy Reason  

Those are hard when I think when you’re especially somebody that’s a stay at home mom. It’s like have those things come to mind. Right? Because when you work in the space that you’re in, I think there’s like so much responsibility stuck to you. And so it’s all you see is the things that need to be done rather than what can you do for yourself? You know, so tell us more about what you teach and where we can find you.

Marianne  

Now, so you saw a little bit about what I did. So a lot about women’s empowerment and a lot about I’m, I’m a muse, and with the muse, you know, really sparking new innovation and ideas and creativity, and I work a lot with corporate leaders, C suite. And helping to change the world by changing our ideas and changing you know, bringing in more of the unknown into the known. But I do have a practice a, a two courses for women. One’s called passport to pleasure. It’s an eight week, it’s really getting into being able to get into your body get into being able to do these pleasure practices and not feeling guilty to be able to create the life you love. And the other one is a creativity practice. It’s a two hour practice where we can really just invoke the power of the views and bring in something, you know, in a fun playful way, by going around our house and gathering up things and then coming and seeing what wants to be birthed into. So it’s a lot of fun. So those are two things that might help your girls your mom’s your beautiful moms to make better milk and have their milk be just so nursing for their babies. Yeah, for sure.

Lacy Reason  

Well, thank you so much for joining us. I appreciate hearing all that you have to say. And thank you everyone.

Marianne  

Yeah. For me.

Lacy Reason  

And thank you everyone listening. I will see you guys next week on the early motherhood guide podcast. See you next week.

About the author

Lacy Reason is a highly experienced and compassionate lactation counselor, who has dedicated her career to educating and supporting new mothers on their breastfeeding journey.