In this video, you’ll hear from an audiologist and a parent educator about the importance of connecting with your child through sound. You’ll also learn about some fun ways to connect with your child that go beyond just speech.
Dr. Lilach Saperstein is an audiologist and parent educator working with families of deaf and hard of hearing children to integrate their emotional journey with information and resources. Dr. Saperstein is the host of the All About Audiology podcast, which has been downloaded over 70,000 times, offering personal interviews related to audiology, communication, parenting, connection and advocacy. She received her doctorate of audiology (AuD) from the CUNY Graduate Center in New York in 2017. She is also an instructor at Touro College. Dr. Saperstein lives in Israel, where she and her husband are raising three bilingual daughters.
Allaboutaudiology.com is her website and podcast.
https://drlilach.teachable.com/p/all-about-you-52
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Ig- allaboutaudiologypodcast
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Lacy Reason
Hey, mamas. I’m Lacy, your lactation counselor, and you’re listening to the early motherhood guide podcast, where motherhood is simply supported. Today, I have the opportunity to talk with Lilach. Learn to introduce yourself.
Lilach
Thank you so much for having me. I am Dr. Lilach and I’m an audiologist and also parent coach. Mostly what I do is I work with families who have a deaf or hard of hearing child in the family, and how that experience really affects everything in the relationship in the early days. And throughout their development, communication connection.
Lacy Reason
So why did you shift your focus from being an audiologist to more of a parent child connection focused?
Lilach
Yeah, so I always was really fascinated with early childhood development, both of my parents, a lot of people in my life, our teachers, and there was a lot of emphasis on this relationship between the parents and the children and how that is the foundation for your whole life and going forward. So it was sort of like that came first. Then while I was doing my studies, I was really interested in science and health professions. So I found audiology, which really did combine those two things. It was very medical, but it was also actually about how we communicate and our relationships. So I combined a lot of my interests. And then I worked clinically, for, you know, in different settings in hospitals and clinics. And also I worked at a school. And I saw all the different angles of how Yes, I had all this training in audiology and testing and hearing aids and cochlear implants, very technical things, but how they actually played out in people’s lives, how children were able to ask for things and connect with their peers and connect with their caregivers. And I was seeing a lot of the gaps that were happening there with the professionals and in the lives like being talking way over what parents actually needed, you know, a lot of jargon, a lot of here’s what you should do milestones. And not as much support for the parents experience, their their heart and their pain and their curiosity about their kids. Yeah, I can imagine
Lacy Reason
being able to communicate and a lot is lost. When a parent has no experience in this and wasn’t expecting, I’m sure. What kind of communication skills are developed from birth? And what does that? How do parents communicate with their child as a newborn? And how is that newborn? Communicating with their parents?
Lilach
That’s an amazing question. I love it. Because there’s so many layers of the answer. Most of us think that it’s, you know, talking and listening. And that’s how we, as humans, make ourselves known and share the thoughts in our mind to get to the minds of someone else, through making words and then having those words be perceived as acoustic symbols. Like, you know, hearing and talking is sort of the default. But actually, we’re communicating all the time with our facial expressions, with our body language, with our body temperature, with our proximity, how close or far we are from people, we’re doing so many things. And new mom has noticed very well how much you’re actually having a dialogue with your baby. There’s hormonal changes, and pheromone changes how you smell and all these different things. So communication is a much broader word than talking and listening. And I think that’s one of the most crucial things that people should take away from this, because a lot of times people say, Oh, I’m not talking to my baby that they don’t understand. Well, you should talk to them and then they will understand that’s how that whole process goes. But then, of course, there is Sign Language and gestures, and even eye contact, which is one of the most powerful connectors. So what I always recommend to any parents and anyone is to really focus on getting in touch with yourself for that brief moment that Paul Pause and being super right where you are in the here and now for even a brief moment. And then in that space that you’ve created inside yourself, then you can also bring someone else into that. So many times we’re frazzled, we’ve got our music and our thoughts and are frazzled, and someone’s here and, you know, dishes and like all the real life things that we’re managing and doing, like it’s stressful to our, our system. So I really love the tip that people shared, which is like that, you know, first minute of the day, first, first greeting that you should like, prepare yourself for that and then go into your child’s room, or like pick them up from their bassinet or whatever. And, and really have like, well, 60 seconds of I am here, with the touch the warmth, and, you know, holding, communicating that I’m hear your breath is slower, your heartbeat is slower. And then the last minute of the day, right, like for bedtime routine, which we sometimes make so complicated, but like don’t miss that one moment that hug, you know? Yeah, that’s a really good point. And even just the minute to yourself, that is something I never do. And I think that is so smart.
Lacy Reason
Just taking that moment of pause and just being like, Okay, getting ready for being connected with yourself. I’ve never really thought about that. So can you please elaborate a bit more on like, how to connect with yourself? And why do you find that so important?
Lilach
Yeah, I feel that most of us do not have a lot of experience with being really still and quiet. Without so many external stimuli. And input is always things coming in visually, auditorily even tactile, like we just have so much stuff in our environment. And how often do we actually just not do that, like, you might have all these things coming in, or even have an environment in which to do that, or the resources to have that. But even so, even within our very wild and bright and loud world and experience, there are places and in ways that we can connect to that stillness. For some people, they really are very close to water. So like, you know, taking a shower. Yeah, but that’s ambitious, right? Even having the water running for 10 seconds, like while you wash your hands, that can be sort of an anchor a cue, this water is running, where did it come from, you know, just have like a little thought for some stream or ocean or lake or the rain. Like all these water, I think is one of those things that flows and moves. It connects us a lot. And then the second easy, super easy one is to actually look at the sky, look out the window. Take, again, five seconds to notice, what color is the sky today? Is it overcast? Is there a cloud? And in that question, in that moment of noticing, you’ve already won, you know, this, this is something that’s super close to my heart is that people like talk about meditation retreats for 10 days, like that’s not motherhood compatible, usually. And it’s also maybe not exactly what you need for your life. That’s one version of that works for some people. But in our day, how do we find those moments like miniscule small, small steps. That’s something that’s a big project for me also this year. Yeah. And so we have this program called all about you, 52, where I send out these audios once a week. And that’s sort of the skill for the week, like the first week, we had just now in the beginning of January, was putting your hand on your heart on your chest. And just feel like the contact of your hand to your chest. What does that bring up for you? Like sometimes it makes you want to cry, sometimes you’re like, it’s cold, just like reconnect you to yourself and whatever that means for you. Nice, and why do you find that so important? Because then we also start to develop this compassion for our own experience and our own needs, then we can do that for others. And, and a feedback cycle right? Also, when we do that, for others, we can find it for ourselves. So it’s always, you know, coming around going around. And I think we have so many expectations of what motherhood is and how you have to be this idealized, perfect loving storybook Mom, that’s just always speaking at this register children, the food is ready. Like that’s not real life. But within the chaos and within the difficulty, and the drama and the siblings fighting and the baby crying, and the homework. Oh my god, don’t get me started. And whatever the place is for you that like it feels was like this huge overwhelm. In your parenting journey, you can also find the places where, hey, I actually listened that one, one time, or I actually was attuned to how their face was when we did such and such activity that always feels like such a win.
Lacy Reason
Yeah, so tell me more about what connection based parenting is.
Lilach
connection based parenting is, I think, going back to knowing that you don’t need to be perfect. They’re like letting go of rules, and the shoulds things that you’re supposed to be doing. And actually being more and more in right now and in who you’re with, in the room that you’re in the person that you’re with, and the child that’s in front of you, not the child that’s in your head, the one that you constructed the stories and the expectations, and certainly not the child that’s in other people’s heads, like, you know, what your mother in law would like you to do, or your, you know, what your spouse might be thinking, like, or partner, you know, other people’s perception of how your child should be in so many times, I feel like I’ll just share my own personal experience with this, I have three daughters, that are eight, six, and almost five. And sometimes when we’re in the park, they’re loud, they’re yelling, they’re joyous. They’re running around. And I hear myself say, you know, it’s not it’s gonna bother the neighbors, it’s inappropriate, it’s, it’s not modest. Like, there’s so many different layers of the various traumas and difficulties of the past where, where it’s like, man, and then I come back to right now, and I say, I’m not in anybody else’s story. And I’m seeing they’re safe, they’re happy, they’re allowed to yell, this is an okay outdoor voice situation. And, and then I can see the joy and I could see their, their experience their and their yelling, is, is good is right. Outside of my stories, so I think if we can focus on connection and our parenting, rather than, like, goals, milestones, even though those are important, and we need those awesome, and we need our professionals helping us out and guiding us, like, you know, I’m on both sides of this. But within that, let’s do more connecting. Another example is as an audiologist, a lot of times when we fit a hearing aid, there’s a lot of emotions in the room, of what this expectation is going to be like we’re gonna hear for the first time, hear mom’s voice, I’m certain I’m certain people, I’ve seen those videos, they go viral every time because they are so emotional. But the ones that don’t go viral are the ones where the baby cries, or the baby pulls it out, or the child like has a tantrum. And though that happens to that might also be the experience, like it’s not always a beautiful fairy moment. Especially not when you don’t put music over it, you know?
Lacy Reason
Easy to curate those. But yeah, that’s got to be so overwhelming for the child to hear all at once.
Lilach
Yeah, I love it. I always tell the parents like i Sorry, I just,
I always like would preface that experience with whatever they do is going to be okay, we’re gonna be with them. If they’re, you know, if they’re very clingy, if they need a hug, if we need to stop and go out, come back in, like, try to keep it as present as we can. Yeah, that is a great point. And I also love that you’re brought up the expectations that you think other people might have of your kids, you know,
Lacy Reason
we all go through that. Right? I always bring up the expectations that we have of ourselves, but I’ve never thought about, yeah, we all have expectations of our kids and what other people we think are even looking by seeing their eyes, right, on what the other people expectations are on how our children should be. And that does essentially take away your connection with that child, you know, because you’re just they are not meeting yours or this strangers expectations in some setting. So you’re stripping away those expectations. And just being able to be with your kid, however they might be in that situation would make a lot more memories, like positive memories for sure. So what is what do you think is the most effective way to connect with your child?
Lilach
Okay, so I do think this connects this would depend on the child. Different children have different temperaments and it depends on you what you feel is good for you. But I really love the idea of getting done on their level. So even with babies that are doing tummy time, lie down also on your tummy. That would be a good sort of break for you also grounding. But anytime you’re actually on the same plane, you know, getting down to the floor playing with kids, or bringing them up sitting on the couch, like, you know, I’m also, if you haven’t noticed, trying to do things in an easier way, you know, taking off this dress. And so like reading a book has huge communication benefits, right, like, so many different skills, shared attention, and all these things that we are constantly telling you to read books. But besides for the actual book and language development, there’s also this very connected and intimate moment, when a child is on your lap, and you’re looking at something together. You know, I think that this goes back to the pressure around like touch, and a lot of parents been touched out, just like so much stimulation from constantly being tugged at and pulled and, you know, needing your attention needing your attention. But if you can do the thing, where you offer the attention in like, time container, you know, contain section, then I think that that’s one place where you could say, I’m not just reading the books, because they said I have to, and it’s like, you know, for the cognitive and language development, it’s also for the sitting together. And I think another really fun thing that’s, that’s an easy way to connect is over any kind of activity that you can do. That doesn’t have a point, right? There’s not there’s not a goal, like, take a paper and scribble on it. And the scribbling is, is the thing, you know, it’s very cliche, the journey is the point, not that that’s the thing. You know, kids make art, they’re always making art, they’re always putting stuff together and organizing rocks, you know, they’re doing it all the time. Not because they want to sell it on Etsy, because they’re gonna take a picture of it, like, they’re not so much goal oriented. And we got to go back to that with them.
Lacy Reason
Yeah, I think that’s so true. Especially a lot of us with our firstborn, right, we have to have them achieve achieve achieve and everything has to be, you know, educational, right. And so, yeah, just taking back that and just releasing, like, hey, we don’t need everything to be about being the next Vincent van Gogh, or, or, you know, something like that. Right. So yeah, I love that just go ahead. But even more so play based learning and safety and connection, and attachment are the biggest gifts that we could give our kids that will affect them positively. And let them be big achievers in big ways. So if that helps you with your, you know, reverse psychology, like letting them make a mess is actually good for them? Yeah, for sure, not creating perfection and not create, like, a lot of room for mistakes and the social emotional, self regulation, all of those skills, those will go very far. Yeah, for sure. How often do you find it’s best to take those moments and connect with your child?
Lilach
So personal, so much about what you have going on in your life? What your networking system? You know, if you have other people who can give you the half hour throughout a day, like, wow, that’s such an ambitious number. I was like, I was gonna say 10 minutes was a half hour Well, are you You know, you have your own time, or you have like, one on one time with one child and when there are multiple children. Like, there’s so many things that go into it, but I do believe that everyone can find, hopefully, you know, one minute, like, even that is huge. And then if you want to say, three minutes a week, how about that, you know, like, whatever golf feels right. And again, it’s not like we have to take the kids out for a six hour outing. And like everything, like even just looking in their eyes. Good morning. Wow, it’s so good to see you. How did you sleep? Whether that’s verbal, or, you know, just emotional, felt like that, that does so much for our brains. We’re all wired for connection and feedback for everybody. Positive. Yeah.
Lacy Reason
I know, a parenting coach was saying every time that they were You were separated at some point. So like, after nap, or after sleeping or after school, like those are always important times. And I never thought about that until she said this. Because in the morning, like, I just want a minute. And so, yeah, but reconnecting at that time when they are just waking up was so important. And so even if it is just one minute with them to connect and say hi, I missed you and looking in their eyes, I’m sure makes a huge difference.
Lilach
You know, I actually started doing that with my partner, my husband. Like sometimes there was a period of time where I notice Everyone’s so busy running around chores that are that work, all the things and he came into a room he was talking to me I was still on my phone. That was not the first time that it happened. And he said to me at one point, like, can you look at me for a second? And I was like, Whoa, good point. Like, I’m so focused on, you know, connection, connection based parenting all this and it’s like, oh, yeah, also this, you know, it applies to all of our relationships and all the ways that we. So, you know, I sort of did like this internal check, like, when he walks in the room, I will look up, even if it’s just that one, I keep scrolling, because I’m doing things, you know, I’m making appointments, you know, as if everything I’m doing on my phone is so important. But you know, sometimes you’re in the middle of answering a message, and you’re like, really in it. But still, I really sort of this new habit, I’m trying to form that. Like, when I when he walks in the room, when I walk in the room, I try to do that one moment of actually looking at his face. Hi.
Lacy Reason
So important. Our poor husbands are so focused on parenting. Yeah, even with kids too. But anytime they try anyone comes up to me, whether it’s my husband, or my kids, I have three as well. And just pausing into, you know, setting the phone down for the second and looking in their eyes and being like, Oh, yes, like I see you, you know, because that’s exactly what I would want in return. Right.
Lilach
And I don’t I’m not doing like no phone for three hours while I’m only with a kid like I can’t. No, it’s it is an integrated part of our life. Yeah. So it’s always like a balance between the things that we we want to do. Yeah, I think that’s a small gesture. That goes a long way, though. Yeah.
Lacy Reason
So hearing and having the access to sound right are not the only ways for your child to develop language. But what are some other ways that they learn?
Lilach
Sure. So we definitely have incredible ability to be able to also see and communicate through gestures. And through fully developed sign languages, like there are sign languages all over the world that developed on their own American Sign Language, British Sign Language, etc, etc, lots and lots, just as you have many different spoken languages. It’s just a misconception that people think all the sign languages are gestural, but they’re actually very developed languages with their own syntax, and, you know, sentence structure, word order. And it’s incredible that children that don’t have access to sound who are deaf, when they’re given access to visual language from a signing person in their life, they actually develop language markers earlier, they babble sooner, you know, by moving their hands in, in different, not quite right signs, but they’re getting there. And that babbling happens much sooner actually, then spoken, babbling. And really, the environment, when it’s when there’s a language rich environment, whether that’s spoken or signed, really helps children to develop. And it’s incredible to see also when there are children who don’t have that access, and then their three, four or five, 710, whatever, whatever age, they might get into an environment where they do have that access to see how thirsty they are, really, that’s the word for like, so ready and engaged with that input of being able to communicate, you’re not just naming things, not just, you know, what is the name of things around me but requests and jokes and things you don’t want, which is a very important, you know, self advocacy ability, that we we know that children with disabilities are actually at greater risk for all sorts of abuses and things that you know, they are a vulnerable population. And one of the protective factors for everybody is being able to communicate and be able to advocate explain what’s happening to you or talk about something that’s not exactly in the present but what happened talking about your expectations about what will happen these are very high functioning high level language tasks. So I think it’s super important for for people to think about language as a much bigger project than just sort of learning how to say your words and not having a list or you know, saying Labott instead of rabbit like you know that’s very small slice of what speech pathologist help with with audiologist can be involved in? Yeah, well, I never even thought about them. But that is so true.
Lacy Reason
With you’re saying all these different ages, like I can’t imagine someone just at the age of seven or 10 Having the ability just having the ability to learn sign. What is an average age when they start learning these things?
Lilach
Or having it really depends on their Yeah, the environment, like there are so many children that have incredible Parents and people, again with resources and community that they’re able to learn sign language because most deaf children are actually born to hearing parents. And that is, you know, it usually does come as a surprise and a shock. And there’s a big learning curve to decide what to do to go down the route of the technology and learning how to listen and speak. Introducing signs some mixture of both. You know, one other thing I just have to mention about language, is that language is the basis for our cognition, for putting things together for thinking for having complex thoughts. So, you know, when you’re, when children don’t have access to that and go through their life really isolated, it also affects their actual cognitive development. And there is a big risk of something called language deprivation, just as someone who’s left in a dark room with no touch, like we know that that’s, that can lead to really devastating health outcomes from not having any caregivers at all. The same is true for the cognitive development when there’s not access to language. Yeah, well, that’s it has that it, you know, so zero to three times your questions, zero to three is really that critical period of when the brain is the most plastic the most able to learn and change those first three years huge. But of course, it continues up to like the next milestone sort of seven. That’s like the first seven years a lot of early childhood development happening in that. And then the next is like puberty. And that is in terms of, let’s say, learning the first language, a second language, if people are bilingual, and exposed to their bilingualism, before puberty, then it’s much more likely to be a native language. Rather than if you learn it after puberty than it is sort of like an L to the way it’s organized in your brain. It’s not like natural and native as it would be before. But good news is our brains remain plastic for our entire lives. And we have that neuroplasticity to learn and grow and change. Even after that for our whole life. Is that why you? I remember you saying earlier that you have bilingual children? Is that why you had your children bilingual? Well, we we live in Israel. Now my husband and I are American. So we speak English at home, and they get Hebrew from the school and the environment. I think there’s so many myths, unfortunately, around bilingualism, oh, if you focus on one language, they’ll lose the other or you don’t want to confuse them, all those things are not quite true. And the more language the better. It’s one of those expressions, it builds on each other. Children who are bilingual also have this skill about metal language, like thinking about the fact that the same item, this cup of water has the same like, you know, we’re like calling it a cup of water, but in another language, they’ll call it something else. And so they have like an awareness that language is arbitrary and different who to who to talk to and who, you know. It’s really cool. So it’s sort of an like, we’re doing it because of our situation. But I recommend that and encourage that for anyone. Yeah, if that’s, you know, your situation. So when did you guys move to Israel? Just four years ago, because you’re quite young, the little one was seven months. So she really, you know, you would think would would have the best Hebrew, but really, then Corona came, and we were super isolated for a while there. And so she’s, she’s native English speaker. Hebrew is sort of catching up. Yeah. Oh, man, what was that experience? Like?
Lacy Reason
probably similar to a lot of people a lot of good. A lot of bad sort of mixed bag. You had to move to a country, middle of all that.
Lilach
So we were actually here for about a year before. Yeah. It was challenging. But, you know, we also we also really focus and try try, I tried to focus on the fact that the pause was forced, in a lot of ways. My working situation changed. And I spent a lot more time with the kids than I had previously. Which came with its challenges and
Lacy Reason
a lot more opportunities for connection. Yeah, that’s, yeah, good and bad, right. I love that. Yeah. Well, what brought you to actually travel all the way over there. From us.
Lilach
Our families came from here. Yeah. So it’s sort of like we’re playing ping pong generationally, you know. So and it’s good. It’s good. My husband is a doctor of a family physician and He really wants to be working here. So that all worked out. And it’s really interesting to to change language for your career midway, or, you know, at the sort of towards the startup career. And he also said, you know, the learning curve as an adults is very challenging, even though it’s Hebrew is fluent, it’s professionally writing reports and the names of all the medications and all those things. But quickly, from action, you get through it.
Lacy Reason
Wow. Well, is there anything else that you would like to share?
Lilach
I would like to encourage anyone who’s listening to try and you know, take a list on your phone or on a piece of paper, and make a list of three, five, however many you’d like. Just like things that you love about your kid, things that you’re enjoying with them, and to focus on the strengths and the good things. Because you come in to the doctor and they say what’s wrong? And you go to the, you know, the teacher, the preschool, whatever, and they want to tell you the problems. And you’re thinking about potty training, and why isn’t it fast enough? Like we’re so focused on the things that are not happening yet are not happening fast enough. And so I encourage you to take that pause and say, what’s going great, what’s really awesome about my kids, what’s making me light up about them? And do that on purpose? Every so often, also by yourself while you’re at it.
Lacy Reason
It’s such a good reminder. And where can we find you?
Lilach
I’m the host of the all about audiology podcast. So anyone who has any interest in hearing, hearing loss, cognition, advocacy, language development, that’s that we’re nearing 100 episodes. So there’s a lot there. Congrats and Instagram, Facebook.
And as well, so now I have this new thing that’s also open to anyone not related necessarily to audiology. Just the mindfulness. Weekly audios, so can come find me there too. Yeah, I’ll link all that in the show notes too. Thank you, of course. Thank you so much for joining us. I loved having you. And talking all things audio and connection.
Lacy Reason
Thank you so much. And thank you everyone for listening. I will see you next week on the early motherhood guide podcast. Thank you for joining us on the early motherhood guide podcast. Be sure to subscribe, and if you haven’t already, click the link below to join my booster multiply boot camp. See you next week.
